Thursday, September 26, 2013

My Adopted Daughter's Feelings Towards In Vitro

I have handled this very delicately with her. She is a sweet gentle girl, who is confident and strong, yet even her young mind falters when she thinks mommy and daddy are thinking about having children naturally when she is not naturally ours.

So from the moment we began considering doing in vitro, we asked her how she'd feel about it. Her first response was, "but I want my sister or brother to have a first life and a second life just like I had."

We of course worked through this, and later asked her again. This time, she admitted her true fears are that we will love a natural child more than her. We both have continued to assure her.

Then I asked her: Do you love me?
Little Miss: Yes.
Me: So we are going to try to meet your first mom soon, right?
Little Miss: Yeah.
Me: Now, I'm only going to ask you this, because I already know the answer.
Little Miss: Okay.
Me: When you meet your first mom, do you think you will love her more than me?
Little Miss's face lit up in a huge smile and she said: Of course not.
Me: Biology doesn't mean much does it. It's not what makes up a family. Love does.

For now, this has helped, but I am well aware this will be a constant thing we will have to work through. Right now, I will be happy that she got excited when she thought I was going to tell her we were pregnant.

We have decided to make sure our Little Miss knows that if we are blessed to become pregnant through in vitro, that this child is as much a part of her as it is a part of us. I plan to take her to ultrasound appointments when appropriate, even if that means taking a day off school, so she can be as big a part of this as possible.

I have also let her know, this was not our first choice, but our first choice is not bearing fruit, and therefore, we are going to try to build our family this way, before we are too old.

I think prayer and encouragement will be extremely important on this road... and that's assuming, this process will end in a child.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Dancing to the Beat of Her Own Drum: A Mother's Failure

So, as I was dancing and singing to my dog, it occurred to me, I am a very weird human being.

Now, I would not be surprised to find out you read that sentence twice. Yes, I was dancing and singing to my dog. Yes, my dog. Yes, it was a love song, but in my defense it did not even occur to me that I was doing this, until I turned sideways and saw my husband smirking at me. It was only then that I realized, I am dancing and singing a love song to my dog.

So that is me in a nutshell. If you are thinking, man this person is really weird, I have to admit, your assessment of myself is quite accurate. The thing is, I am okay with that and love my childlikeness. I was always a very self-conscious young person, so the fact that I am not that same girl makes me wish I could have told my younger self, as long as what I am doing is kind, respectful, and pleasing to God, it really doesn't matter what others think. The thing is, though I want to tell my younger self that, I often unconsciously tell my daughter that being herself is not okay.

One thing I admire about my daughter is that she is outgoing, confident, brave, the exact opposite of me at her age. I would like to credit myself for this, but she has most of this inherently.

Unfortunately, there are moments when I realize I am squashing that beautiful outgoing, confident, brave girl. Like today, she took off her tennis shoes to put on her brand new black high heels in the backseat of the car leaving behind the crumpled up paper that kept their shape and the box open all over the floor.

I should be happy that she liked her new shoes enough to put them on. I've never told her this type of behavior is unacceptable in the car, so she was not being naughty or doing anything remotely wrong. But in my ornery, self-absorbed selfish way, when I opened the back door to head home with my own purchases, I snapped, "Why did you take off your shoes, now you have to put all that stuff back in the bag so we can go home! Now hurry up." Then I stormed away with my own purchases.

Why did I do that? Did we need to hurry? No, so why at that moment did I decide to take a perfectly innocent, non-disobedient act and cause her to feel less than adequate.

I think too often we do this to our children. We don't let them be children. We don't show them it's okay to be themselves, and we take things that are not naughty and show our frustrations, because it's different than how we would expect things to be. But, if what they are doing is not unkind, not disrespectful, and not unpleasing to God, why do we make such a big deal about them?

So later, I apologized for my impatience. I showed her my delight at her gymnastic prowess, and even danced the Macarena with some friends of both mine and hers.

I just hope that in those moments of impatience and frustration, I am still able to let her know that it's okay if she dances to the beat of her own drum. I think too often the adult in us tries to squash the childlike fun out of those around us. She just wanted to feel pretty in her new high heels. She probably was thinking about where she would wear them or what women who wear high heels do.

I guess today I failed. Tomorrow I will try to do better. I will encourage her independence, her braveness, her ability to be herself, and hopefully I don't do too much damage in those moments when I try to make her live up to my expectations rather than let her dance to the beat of her own drum.

Friday, September 20, 2013

The First Appointment with the new In Vitro Doctor

So we arrived and waited forever, spoke with a nurse that I had trouble understanding, and then met with the doctor to be told, he wasn't comfortable doing in vitro, yet! That being said, the overall appointment went well.

He was not comfortable with my medical history and felt the need to discuss with previous doctors before deciding that pregnancy would do me well. I told him what each doctor told me, so he is going to have the nurses and himself get the records and speak with the doctors to make a better decision before proceeding.

Despite the setback, he did state that there is a 50-55 percent chance of us getting pregnant and about 45 percent chance of us staying pregnant (not miscarrying). With my fertility history being well-known and understood my percentage of getting pregnant may actually be higher.

Another fear he has is that with all the surgeries I have had, my ovaries may not be in the easiest place to access. I told him where they were, since they are, as he had guessed, not where they were biologically meant to be. Usually when someone has bowel surgery, the ovaries are up higher, whereas mine is down lower, which may actually work in our favor as there will be less in the way to get to them. He has not visually checked this out himself, therefore, there is a good possibility he may have differing opinions later.

He also wants me to have my uterus rechecked. Last time I had it checked, I was told it was beautiful. Yes, that was the word used. He wants to assure there are no fibroids or polyps and that we have a clean home for a future fetus before this venture begins. He gave me a potential start date of November, which I said might not work for us, that we would be more interested in December or January. After further discussion, we decided December was out due to him taking two weeks off around Christmas.

So to recap:

  • He's going to talk to my other doctor's before deciding to do in vitro. 
  • Their success rate is around 50 percent. 
  • We are going to recheck my womb health. 
  • Placement of my ovaries may cause hindrance. 
  • Possible January start date. 
  • Oh and of course there are things on the male's end, which aren't much of a concern. 


Please, when you see me, unless I bring it up, I don't want to answer questions. That being said, feel free to ask questions here. Writing about this helps me process. Since I am not a natural born speaker, discussing it, kind of stresses me out.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Reasons I Want to Do In Vitro

Well, in the past year, Kevin and I had set a January start date, a March start date, and a July start date. None of which came to pass. The first was halted by a foster baby that left in a matter of one month. The second was halted by a foster baby that soon after I met the mother, I realized how caring and loving she was with her daughter and I knew the baby was not going to stay with us. Then when we set the July date, Dr Daly, the best doctor EVER, decided to close his practice due to health issues.

Our first gut reaction was, if he's not going to do it, then we don't want to do it!

But in July I called a new fertility specialist and made an appointment, because I was not quite ready to close that door. In fact, I have been hesitant to shut that door many times. Although the doctors have given me many opportunities to have a hysterectomy, each time I felt a strong pull against it.

This is one thing I am not looking forward to,
and have seen far more than I'd like to admit.

I don't have delusions that I will be able to spontaneously become pregnant. A long time ago, I had my tubes removed due to a long and complicated mess of things, which belongs in a different post all together. Basically the way they removed my tubes, due to the issues going on, is not the typical tubal ligation. It makes it more likely for me to have an ectopic pregnancy than anything else, so a spontaneous pregnancy would scare me since my first gut reaction would be, this baby will die. (Yes I do believe that an embryo/fetus is a baby, and you won't convince me otherwise.)

So why not adoption. The truth is, I want to adopt more than give birth. I feel that we should take care of the children that are here rather than bring new children into this world.

The thing is, I started the adoption through the foster care process in 2009. We are blessed to have a beautiful daughter. It is now 2013.

We have said goodbye to four children. Two through our own judgement, and two because they belonged somewhere else. We also don't get calls like you would expect. Their true need is for teen placements, we are not ready for that, plus I strongly believe that your oldest should remain your oldest, and since our oldest and only is nine years old, that limits to the under-eight category.

So why not go through infant adoption? The short answer is, because they want me to close my foster care license. Also, I know that those babies are sought after and will go to wonderful homes regardless. They aren't the children that I feel need to be cared for.
As I spent the summer calling many agencies, we discovered that even if we want to adopt an older child, we would have to close our foster care license. Apparently, you can't have your hand in more than one bucket, I guess. That is when I began to lean towards in vitro... No, that is a lie, that is when I accepted the fact that in vitro might be the best option for us.

So back up a year or so. Kevin has always wanted to do in vitro over infant adoption. The only thing that has held us back is my health. The thing is, I have been healthy for years.

One day, I spent an hour lying on the ground, basically begging God for direction and that Kevin would change his mind about certain decisions. Then it came to me, he has been turning towards my decisions this whole time, it is my turn to bend towards his.

So I called the doctor and when we received a call for a foster baby, I cancelled the appointment the very next day. Then a month later I called again, making an appointment. Setting a new start date. Once we got called for a new placement, I hastily cancelled the appointment, figuring God was answering our prayers and giving me MY way. It took two visits with the mom to realize, this beautiful little girl was never going to be mine, no matter what CPS had told me. This girl belonged with her mommy. I then called the doctor and stated that we were going to do in vitro in January. I had the money and regardless of what happened we were going to go forward... except then the doctor quit his practice.

Didn't see that coming!

Was this God's way of shutting that door? If so, then why did I feel the need to transfer our records and set up an appointment with a new doctor? Just in case, right? Well, if I did that just in case that door was still WIDE open.

Then one day, it hit me, the little girl I had been spending every waking and many non-waking hours with was leaving and going back home. I was grieved. Then I broke down. Not for the little girl, but for me, selfish - jealous me. I told Kevin I wanted to try in vitro. We need to do it soon, as I am soon hitting my mid-thirties and it's time to do something now, before the window of opportunity leaves us.
Will we change our mind?

I don't think so, not this time. The only thing that is holding us back was that in May when our doctor closed his practice, I put our in vitro money on student loans and we are having to save up all over again. December and January is the only feasible time since I am going to school, and there are days you need to do bed rest. But can we really gain that much money in that short of time? If not, we might be looking at a summer start date.

I'm okay with that, but not ideal.

Will we change our mind if we get placed with a foster child?

I think we have said bye enough times and waited for enough years that we probably won't change our mind this time.

How does our daughter feel about this?

Well, that will be another post on another day.

Am I excited?

No, but again that will be another post for another day. There is a part of me that doesn't think it will work, and then part of me convinced it will. The truth is, it's not exciting to me, because I know what to expect or rather what to be prepared for.
  • Negative pregnancy tests
  • Judgements from others
  • Non-happy congratulations
  • Miscarriages
  • Complications
  • And of course all the pregnancy stuff if I'm fortunate enough to carry to term.

Maybe I'm looking at it from a doomsday perspective. But keep in mind, I have seen a lot and experienced a lot. I'm quite cynical. I know, many of you might be surprised that I would be cynical about anything. But in this...I am.

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Choosing In Vitro

Well, right now, assuming things do not change, we are going to proceed forward towards in vitro. Many people seem less than thrilled at the prospect as they have seen me through many physical health trials, but this is the path that gives me peace.

It's funny because part of me feels like, we should be taking care of the children that are already here, not bringing new ones into this earth, but as foster care has not gone as planned, I am beginning to feel ready to move forward. As many of you know, infant adoption has been thoroughly researched, so it seems as if that would be the logical path, but I feel apprehension towards infant adoption for some indescribable reason. Although one of the main reasons is because they want us to close our foster care license before we proceed, and to be honest I just don't feel like a peace in doing that.

Also, in vitro has always been Kevin's first option. He has bent his desires so they molded into mine, so maybe it's time for me to bend. There are so many factors going into this decision that I would write for days to describe all my reasons. Although if you want to know the number one reason for our choice: peace. It's what brought us peace... or rather me peace.

I'm thinking we'll start November/December-ish.

We are sharing this because we want prayer. That being said, I'd prefer not to talk about our decision in person, unless I bring it up. This surrounds a lot of anxiety, feelings of loss, past hurts that if you begin to ask questions, you might notice me getting visibly unsettled. That being said, feel free to ask questions on here. I will share what I want but may choose to not share things that are not yet determined. To be honest, so little is known at this point. We're seeking a new doctor and we'll see where it leads us.