Did you know that the phrase, "God will never give you more than you can handle," was actually stated from Mother Theresa, not the Bible? Okay, those weren't her exact words, but the fact that this saying is not even biblical, fills me up with so much relief.
So many times when people have said this to me, I sometimes feel like I must be weak.
Yes, I always manage my way through the day, week, month, year, lifetime that I thought was so intolerable, but I never make it through alone. I always, always, need help from my friends, my husband, my family, and of course my God. Sometimes life is more than I can handle alone.
Then I realized, God may not have said that he wouldn't give you more than you could bear, but he does often give us enough where we have to rely on other people. God does not want us to handle this stuff alone.
Proverbs 18:24 There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.
A friend of mine has been going through a really hard time. She ended up spending some time in the hospital due to a nervous breakdown. This was not because she is weak or because she didn't have enough faith. She just has too much on her plate. Essentially a nervous breakdown means we have more on our plate than we can handle alone. She needed the help from doctor's to make it through.
God gives us stuff so we rely on other people. He wants us to need the fellowship of others. If it wasn't so, then he wouldn't have said that his two greatest commandments were loving Him and loving others. Oh and let's not forget:
1 Corinthians 13:13, "Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love."
Through my fertility issues, I've clung to the hope that we will have a big family. Quite recently, I went through a bad patch of feelings I didn't know existed within me anymore.
My hope was gone.
My faith in God allowed me to acknowledge this was not because he didn't love me, or had forgotten me, my faith was not shaken, but even through my faith I was broken and depressed. It was not my faith that got me through it. It was the love. The love I got from friends, family, scripture. I reached out to many and a few reached back. I believe this is what God wants.
I think instead of teaching people that God will never give us more than we can bear, we should say, "Share your burden, it will lighten your load." Because sometimes, we do have more than we can bear alone. It's not because we are weak or faithless, we are created to need people. We are created to need Him. Love may not heal all things, but it makes the worst of the stuff much more bearable.
Last year, something happened that really shook me. It's one of those things that will probably stick with me forever. I spent a long period of time uncovering the truth, by the time the truth was uncovered for me many lies were revealed and I realized that I needed to move on. Part of me wanted to expose the truth, but by then my voice was no longer heard. I prayed for direction and discernment and found peace.
The thing that saddens me most is that even though I have uncovered the truth, the damage is done. There is no way to fix the problem, because even with the truth it's still a big uncomfortable mess.
Sometimes I wish you could put a band-aide over life. You could make things heal, without leaving scars. You could right the wrongs.
But that is life. You cannot change the past just as much as you cannot change other people. You can change the direction of your future, learn from mistakes, but ultimately there are somethings you just have to grieve, say goodbye to, and move on. Personally, I think the last three things are the hardest part of life. I can handle illness, I can handle pain, I can even handle disappointments, but loss is a different kind of pain that I just don't do well with.
Honestly, I have never understood this phrase. I was reading a blog that shared a strong opinion on an issue, (the issue is irrelevant here). Because the topic perked my interest, I was curious about the responses and therefore read them. I was surprised over the number of people who wrote, "Stop trying to shove your opinions down my throat," along with, "stop trying to force other people to do things they don't want to do."
To me, a blog is somewhere where you can share your opinions, express your ideas, and be yourself. A blog is in essence, mere words.
If someone does not agree with you, I understand that person pointing out their opinion and explaining why they disagree. I don't agree with people doing so in a disrespectful, distasteful way, yet it is not surprising to me. On the other hand, when people say, you are trying to shove your opinions down their throat, this phrase confuses me.
The reader chose to read it. At any given time, they could have decided, this is rubbish and gotten off the page. As far as forcing/controlling another person. How in God's green earth, can you force someone to do something by mere words on a computer screen. If someone has that much power over someone else, there are serious issues, and I don't mean with the writer.
My daughter is nine. On countless occasions when she was younger (a phase she has thankfully grown out of), she would try to tell me she was forced to do something. We then would go into a discussion about just because someone says do it, doesn't mean you do it. No one can force you to do things with mere words. Amazingly, she now understands it, and stands her ground when dealing with opposition. To that I am proud.
I guess someone could potentially argue with me about a person who threatens another person with death or cruelty to a loved one, and how this could potentially be forcing someone to do something, but I am not talking about threats here. We are talking about voicing one's opinion. I have many of them. They change from day to day, as I learn, grow, and understand things. What I believe is right today, may not be what I believe is right tomorrow, whether it be due to circumstances, education, or a number of other things. So when I voice my opinion, I am not trying to convince someone that my reasoning is right, I'm not trying to force anyone to do anything, I am just using my little piece of this world and speaking my mind, which incidentally changes on occasion.
I would recommend adoption a hundred times over again. Even through all the beaucratic hassles, it's so well worth it. But the one downside of being an adoptive mom, at least to one who was adopted as an older child is that you spend many nights trying to explain to them how much you really love them.
It always starts the same way. She will tell me she is upset about something. Maybe it's about how we won't buy her an iPad or we made her buy off the dollar menu at a restaurant. But she's not really upset about these things. She's upset and she needs to find a reason to justify her feelings, so she pretends it is something else. She will get big tears that do not match the issue at hand.
As we talk, I eventually uncover the truth. She's upset she is adopted, she is afraid we don't love her, she hates being different from her friends.
We then will talk. I'll show her all the people she loves who she is not biologically related to. I will remind her of foster kids we all loved. I will tell her what family means to me and remind her of her Aunt Amber or her Uncle Jeff, neither whom share mine or Kevin's blood, but are as much a part of our family as if they had. I will show her as many ways as I can, that blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than both.
One of these will strike a chord, and she will smile. She will tell me how lucky she is, or that I'm the best mom in the world, or a number of different ways that tells me, she gets it. But I know, in a few months, I will get a doe eyed child with tears brimming ready to spill, and she will tell me she is upset about something that is not the real issue.
We will pull over to the side of the road, or crawl up in her top bunk, or cuddle on the couch, and have that conversation again. Each time the words are different, but each time it ends with a smile and her seeming to understand.
So yeah, that's the downside of being an adoptive mom. You have to prove your love over and over and over again. I wouldn't change it for the world, but I guess in a way, it's a reminder to stop and listen and talk and love.
One of the most frustrating things I experience as a mom with a child in the public schools is the overuse of the word "bullying." The school's are trying to make kids aware of what bullying is, by oversimplifying it. So now, it is not uncommon for my daughter to say, "I was bullied today." She then tells a story of a kid who was rude to her, obnoxious, ornery, etc, but not really bullying.
Of course, I then attempt to explain the difference between bullying and what she is experiencing.
I then realize why the schools, especially in elementary school, take the oversimplified way of teaching children what bullying is, because even I am too afraid to share with her the numerous stories of children being bullied and feeling so desperate they take their own life.
So after repetitive incorrect uses of the word bullying by my daughter, I decided to look it up, and see how to discuss what bullying really is. I came across stopbullying.org website. They defined bullying as a repetitive abuse of an imbalance in power. That is when I realized the key to explaining it to her is repetitive abuse, not the one snotty comment that hurts her feelings.
In my lifetime, I have definitely seen my share of bullying. I did have a brief period myself that may be defined as bullying, but it was short-lived and though it destroyed my self-confidence for longer than the bullying lasted, it has shaped a lot of my life decisions. I need to pray for my daughter and any future children I have, that they do not experience this, but more than that, I need to show them, no matter what happens out in the world, I love them, Kevin loves them, they have a huge support system that will cheer them on, even when the world pushes them down.
I cannot stop what happens outside of my home. What I can do, is I can teach my children love. Not just that they are loved, but that they should love others. This is a hard task, especially since so many other areas in life are teaching them how to judge, hate, criticize, condemn. I do my best, but I guess, more than that, I need to pray that she learns love. Because I can only do so much, so much of what happens outside of my home, is up to her.
Although there are many reasons why I'd love to homeschool, I hope and pray that because we've decided to do the public school route, that she will be a light when there is darkness.
Too many young mothers are mothering alone. I am not talking about dad's leaving, although that happens way too often, but I'm talking about the even bigger alone. Yes, many women rely on advice from books and magazines, some rely on friends with kids, while others are all alone.
There is something greatly missing in our society that God has instructed us to do, which is found in Titus 2:3-5. It tells women to mentor younger women in the relationships with their husbands and children. This verse is not referring to older women bossing the younger women telling them the right and wrong way to raise a child, criticizing and directing. It says:
Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, and the word of God may not be reviled.
Notice it says that older women teach what is good and to train the young women to love their husbands and children. This is very specific. God doesn't care if we feed our children organic or store bought food. He does not care what educational tools we give our children. He does not care whether we potty train at one or three. What he does care is that we not only love with our hearts, but love our husbands and children with our actions.
I am blessed in that I have a mother who guides me, encourages me, and helps teach me how to love my daughter. So many families are missing this. Grandmothers either are too busy with their own lives, or they focus way too much attention on spoiling their grandchildren that they neglect supporting their own children in the raising of the grandchild. Love is more than hugs and kisses, but disciplining in a loving, respectful manner.
Too often, moms are so busy keeping up with sporting events, work, chores, cooking, cleaning, play dates, etc. that we are unable to stop and just love our children. More than that, we also don't have others stopping and loving us either.
My mom has done a great job in that when I want to talk about my struggles with my daughter she listens. She also reminds me that my daughter is just a little girl. She focuses her time on my daughter, when she sees I need to focus time on me. She focuses her time on me, when I need someone to talk to. I am also fortunate that I have many older women in my life, including my husbands family, my aunts and grandmother, friends from my old church and my new church. I am blessed, I have this amazing support system that helps me not only know how to love my husband and my daughter, but allows me to breathe so I have more energy to expend love on my husband and daughter.
Many lovely women I know are lacking this support. They are mothering without guidance. No one steps up to listen, support, and love. We need more love in our society. We need to be more family-centered and community-centered. We've lost that in our busy haste in this world.
Another great verse that reminds us to support the younger generation:
1 Peter 5:1-5 - So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly;not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock.And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory. Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”
Paying for IVF is just one of my many fears surrounding doing in vitro. Although it is not my biggest fear, it is probably the one that's on my mind the most lately.
I think the most fearful thing is that I know there is a possibility we will spend all 16,000 dollars with nothing to show for it. It's a risk I am afraid to take. I know it's just money, and if it works then it will be money well spent, but if it does not... I am going to have to be okay with it. I won't have any other option, except to be okay with it.
Recently I found out you can get scholarships for IVF. This really excited me until I read the requirements. A year ago and every year before, we would have qualified, but of course the year I finally realized about it, we no longer qualify.
Previously Kevin and I saved up for in vitro, but when our doctor retired early, we decided to place that money towards a student loan, which paid it off, so that's great, but that means once we realized we were going to still proceed with in vitro, we had nothing saved.
In September, we decided to start saving for in vitro again. At that time, my car died and I had to buy a new vehicle. This meant that the money we were going to be saving for in vitro would be spent on a new vehicle.
Then it occurred to us with winter coming, we would be better off to get a pellet stove then pay for the gas to heat our house again, especially after we did a year assessment on how much was spent last year. This has proved to be a wise decision due to the extremely cold weather this year, but that also meant that all the money that came in that month went directly towards our new purchase. Therefore, we still had nothing saved.
Oh yes, then December came, not only did we have Christmas to pay for, but also the winter insurance on our house, vehicle insurance for the next six months, and on top of that I smashed my husbands paid off jeep into a fence when I lost control on ice. So yet again, no savings.
So how much do we have saved for it after three months of saving: $0.00
Yes, not even a single cent.
Theoretically I know where the money is going to come from, and it will be here before May. But I don't know what is going to happen between now and May? What unexpected expenses will come up?
I am trusting that we will earn the money before May comes along, but as everytime we hear the money is coming in, something happens and the money goes out before we have a chance to see it in our account; I'm scared. What if the money doesn't come? I guess, I must assume that God is closing the door to that, at least for our May start date. I have to trust that if God wants us to take this route, he will provide the money.
I sometimes think that is why not having a foster care placement has bothered me so much. I feel like none of our efforts are going anywhere.
Today, I will breath in and breath out. I will try to focus my life on something else. Maybe my writing or reorganizing my house. I need something to keep me distracted. I know worrying is my weakness. I worry. So breathe, pray, be active, pray, distract and pray. We should be okay.
Did you know I'm overweight and plus-sized. In case you're curious, this is what I look like. Not the best shot, since I'm wearing a coat, but since I'm not into selfies and I'm usually the one behind the camera, this was the best full-body shot I could find. I am curvy, which you can't tell here, so I have a narrow waist, and well you can see how wide my hips are. Not terribly, but I do wear a size ten jeans. So does this plus-sized model. Yes, apparently size 10 makes you plus sized, and at 160 pounds on my 5'7 1/2" frame causes me to be one pound overweight. When I think of plus-sized, I think of the XL section of the store. In case you're wondering, my shirts range from Small to Large, dependent on the brand, and my pj pants are always Large, more because Medium is too short and that annoys me. In other words, a woman who could potentially wear a Small T-shirt at some stores is considered plus-sized. Do you find anything wrong with that? Now, I do normally wear medium and large, but I have had to exchange for a small on more than one occasion. I personally feel, I should not look at the size, but how it looks on me. Because as far as I am concerned S stands for Sensational, M stands for Magnificent, and L stands for Lovely. So yes, XL would definitely be extra Lovely. Don't you think? But that's not the way our culture thinks. We instead are obsessed with size and weight and we like to claim that well-proportioned women are plus-sized. Granted, if I lay off the cookies (oh I love cookies) and drank less milk (which I drink at every supper) I'd probably shed five pounds in a year, but the truth is, I don't want to. Nor do I think I should be told I am plus-sized or overweight. I work out the recommended three two times a week for thirty to forty minutes a day. Yes I have room for improvement, but overall I'm healthy. We need to stop focusing on weights and numbers, and we definitely should stop telling our girls that women like me are overweight or plus-sized. I'm not even saying plus-sized is a bad thing, but if I'm considered plus-sized, what is someone who wears size 16 and up pants considered or actually wears XL clothing? According to the BMI charts, I should weigh between 118 and 159. The problem with that scale is I know what I look like at 125 pounds. For my friends who knew me when I was ill, and people who saw my wedding photos and asked me if I was anorexic, I weighed 125 pounds the six months prior to getting married. I literally did not eat (tube-fed) for three of those months due to surgeries and complications. At 135 pounds, people would often comment on how small-framed I was, it wasn't until I reached 145, I stopped getting comments on how thin/sickly I looked. I was not healthy at 135, and I sure wasn't healthy at 125. Personally, I think 145 to 150 is my ideal weight, but my ideal weight isn't the issue at hand. The issue at hand is that girls are being told that people like me, are plus-sized. We need to stop focusing so much on body-image and focus on health and healthy choices. I will never wear a size four jeans. Literally, when people thought I was anorexic, I wore a size six jeans. My hips are too wide, even with barely any fat on them. It's just not going to be me. We need to stop worrying about our weight, and worry about the stuff we put in our bodies and the stuff we do to our bodies. We also need to change the way we view beautiful. Why does a woman who is gorgeous, but wears size ten jeans considered plus-sized? Because we live in a country where thin is beautiful, even when thin is unhealthy. On the flip side, my sister-in-law is considered underweight by BMI standards (before she got pregnant anyway), despite her very healthy relationship with food. I remember her telling me of people asking her if she was anorexic. If you knew her, you would know she is not. Yet, she has a very beautiful face that is full and not thin. She just happens to have a slender build, but it's healthy. You can tell by the fat in her cheeks and the healthy glow of her skin. Yet, people so badly want to make themselves feel that just because she is naturally thin and they are not, there must be something wrong with her. We need to stop trying to fat-shame and even thin-shame other women. Instead, I think we should remind ourselves of two of my favorite verses:
1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD look at the heart."
Proverbs 31:30 - Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Maybe it's not as much of our distorted view of outward beauty, but our distorted view of beauty altogether. Is the person who has flawless skin and a perfect body, yet quick to twerk in front of millions and not shy to flip the bird truly beautiful. Beauty is the woman who radiates love. Who is patient and kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, nor rude, nor self-seeking, not easily angered, does not keep records of wrongs, does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres. I think we would be much better off if we stopped focusing on accepting ourselves and our body shape, and instead focused on what really matters. That's the change we need to make. If we took the energy we put in front of the mirror and at the gym, and put it towards loving one another, I think there would be a lot less body issues in our culture.
Michelle Branch's song, "Goodbye to You," has resonated with me since the very first time I heard it, which was actually during a concert of hers. I stood not even fifty feet from her. Although the meaning behind the song has changed for me over time.
I've never connected to the romantic aspects of it, but the first was when I realized I had lost a friend, not physically, but emotionally. She was mentally ill and I couldn't handle the ups and downs of her life. It was also hard to not keep letting her back in my life, even though she would befriend and debefriend me frequently. But I learned, sometimes you have to let go, even when it hurts and it doesn't feel natural. You cannot allow yourself to be abused.
Then there is the theoretical, "you." This "you" is plural and more of a dream of a being than anything else. I always imagined having a big family. I assumed by the time I was thirty, I would have a houseful, I would be done adding to my family, and be more active in their lives than my own. Although I am quite active in my daughter's life, she is now more increasingly independent and her friends and her sports have become a bigger part of her life than they used to be. I find I have a lot of time to focus on myself, but the truth is - although millions of women wish they had time for themselves, I'd trade that time in a second for a chance to build our family.
It's funny, how words to a song can mean something different to you, dependent of your circumstances. In case you are curious, here are the lyrics and what they mean to me:
Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
(I believed my life would be different, and I was ready to build that life at 22. It's ten years later, and though I'm happy for the most part, there is a part of me that yearns for more. Although I'm beginning to realize I need to say goodbye to that dream. It's the hardest thing to do, to decide you are going to change your life plans.)
Tears form behind my eyes But I do not cry Counting the days that pass me by
(Yeah I don't think I have to explain this one.)
I've been searching deep down in my soul
(Actually I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Talking to God, trying to decide where to go from here.
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
(People say a lot of dumb things to infertile people, most the time I laugh it off, but every so often it stings nonetheless, but I never give hint to that. Some of the most caring, thoughtful people are the ones that say the dumbest things. So you have to forgive them. )
It feels like I'm starting all over again
(Yup)
The last three years were just pretend
(Although I would say I've been trying to build our family for ten, the last three and a half years is how long I've been trying for a second child. The first one took me five years, it looks like this one will take about that long as well. )
And I said,
Goodbye to you Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
(I'm preparing myself to saying goodbye to my adoption dreams)
You were the one I loved
(This is the only line that doesn't hold true, because my loves are my husband and my daughter, this was more of a desire, a hope, a dream.)
The one thing that I tried to hold on to The one thing that I tried to hold on to
(But man did I try to hold onto this dream, hold onto it so tight that it is so incredibly difficult to let go.)
I still get lost in your eyes And it seems that I can't live a day without you Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away To a place where I am blinded by the light But it's not right
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time I want what's yours and I want what's mine I want you But I'm not giving in this time
And when the stars fall I will lie awake You're my shooting star
Well, I'm leaving our foster care license open for a few months at least, maybe longer, but I packed the clothes away, and preparing myself for the fact that we are going to try the in vitro route. It scares me to no end. I'm afraid to be pregnant, I'm afraid of having a miscarriage, I'm afraid of having a child prematurely, afraid of multiples and the risks that lie within, and more afraid than anything that it won't work out and we'll be at square one all over again. But it's time to pass my fears to God, and trudge forward.
I need to accept that adoption might not be the route God wants us to take. I need to put those dreams to rest, every second of every day. I need to say goodbye. As I teach my daughter, sometimes the scariest hardest routes are the ones most worth taking.
It's ironic I spent the first five years mourning my fertility, and mourning the second five years as I learn to rely on it. At least I know when all is said and done, at least I have one beautiful daughter. I am blessed, no matter how discouraged or frustrated I am.
