One Day At A Time

If you would have told me ten years ago that I would actually be considering homeschool, I would have told you that you were nuts. I was very pro-public school, and didn't think it was a good idea for anyone to homeschool.

Even five years ago, I would have still thought you were nuts as Emily attended Kindergarten. Then, life happened. I began to meet new people, see new opportunities, and understand that there is more than one way to parent. I began having a desire for a more rounded, stronger education than what the public school offered. I met some "normal" homeschool kids, and noticed that many of the kids who were homeschooled had a much broader, richer education than those who went to public school. They also had a lot more opportunities open up to them.

So, two years ago, I brought up homeschool to Kevin, and there was no discussion about it, it was no!

The year past, and Emily made new friends, many whom were homeschooled. As we made these new friends, I began to see how there were classes they could go to, there were clubs, there were a lot of things that would socialize them. It wasn't necessarily solely schooling at home.

This year, Emily still mentioned homeschool again and again. Her reasons would range from things she must have heard from other people like, "I could be challenged more at home, I'm not challenged enough at school," to, "I want to be able to get my school work done and play at home, rather than get my school work done and stare at the wall waiting for everyone else to be done." Then there are some really ridiculous reasons to.

These are not necessarily my reasons, but I want to open doors for her. I want her to be able to excel at sports and focus on her education, without missing out on downtime too. I want her to love learning and learn to be a lifelong learner. I want her to stay focused on what's important, not what others think is important.

Then there are the fears, she will miss out on school assemblies, school dances, school functions, the camaraderie of being a graduate of a particular school. There are things we would have to sacrifice if we were to homeschool all the way through. That's when I realized, just because homeschooling is the right option right now, doesn't mean it has to be the right option all the way through.

I have a tendency to try to plan my whole life, but since I have been trying to build a large family for ten plus years, get a degree for fourteen, and have managed to have one child with no degree in sight shows that my ability to plan my future is severely lacking. So I need to relax, plan one year at a time, maybe not that, one day at a time.

Next year, I am leaning towards homeschool, but because I never know what lies around the corner, I have to keep open the idea that public school might be the best option as well.

Well, then there was tonight. A friend who I had not seen in fifteen years, invited me to check out the local homeschooling group. It was so comforting to see what I found. There were all different type of people, not the long dressed Amish looking women, but ranging from sweats to fashionable but all had a joy for family and learning.

They shared their stories of frustration and encouraged one another. They talked about their field trips as a group, which sound absolutely amazing. Field trips that would truly prepare a child to know what they actually want to do for the rest of their life, rather than just reading about careers in a book. They swapped materials, shared info about events going on. There was a lot more available than I realized.

I came home, shared about my experience, only to find out that Kevin has been doing his own research. He shared curriculum advice he got from a friend and his thoughts and feelings towards certain things, and even told me about a homeschool convention I should look into.

What I realized is, we are going to keep going forward, preparing ourselves to start homeschooling next year. Life may drastically change between now and then, because if anything, life has taught me is that it has a way of happening while you're busy planning it.

I understand not all will agree with our decision. Some may not understand it. Some will be adamantly against it, but we have my daughter's best interest at heart, and at any time we feel that it is not the best option, we will change course. Her education is extremely important to me, and I truly feel that she would get a better one using the resources we have around our community than the ones found in our local schools.

Decisions, Decisions: God Seems to Be Speaking

Well, it looks like we will be going forward and doing in vitro.... maybe. I have one last test on Tuesday, once we get the results back, we'll be setting the month start date. The money is in fact coming. Last week, we had $0.00 saved, today we have... well... more. Enough to make it seem realistic to be ready in May or June.

The other reason I feel in vitro is in our future is we have not gotten a single call for foster care. Since we have to put a payment down in March, if we are going to start in May, then, pretty soon we will have a financial commitment. As I've seen in the past, it only takes one day for our lives to be flipped upside down, so who knows what will happen before March gets here.

We're just slowly going forward. Taking one step at a time. By Friday, we should have the results and we should know if we are proceeding forward.

The other decision is that I am definitely leaning towards home-school... leaning, not deciding on. I know that people are probably wondering if I am going out of my mind, but too much has happened over the past three years. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with public school. Even if we do pull her, we very well might put Little Miss back in later, especially during the high school years. There are just some strong reasons that have caused me to consider alternative education options.

I can definitely give her a better education than she is getting at school. I'm not worried there. There are so many resources around here that any of the areas I don't feel equipped to teach, I know who does. I do have many concerns though. Unfortunately, my concerns in the public schools are currently outweighing my concerns with home-school. Even Kevin who is for the most part against home-school is beginning to believe that we might be making the best decision.

Infertility to IVF to Adoption

It's funny how things seem to find you right when you need them. I was looking at articles on homeschooling and instead of finding answers to my question on how to school Little Miss, I came across a blog of a homeschooling mom that was called, "God's Grace In Infertility."

For obvious reasons, this caught my interest, and I decided to read more. I discovered that this woman did five cycles of IVF. Each cycle ended with an unwanted visitor. I loved that she referred to her period as this because that is exactly what we have always referred to it as well.

After her five cycles, she found adoption as the path for her.

As we venture forward with in vitro, it occurred to me why I have been averse to doing IVF all along. There is a very good possibility we could go forward, spend the money, with no results.

The thing is, I've been there, done that. Maybe I didn't spend fifteen thousand dollars, but in all reality, it's just money. I'd rather pay thousands of dollars than to experience the sense of loss and frustration that infertility often brings. This has caused me to retrace my steps during the early days when we truly started trying to get pregnant.

The first year was no biggie, we were in the camp of annoying people who say, "I'm not trying to get pregnant, I'm just not not trying to get pregnant." In other words, we were trying to get pregnant, but not doing ovulation kits. We would have been shocked to actually get pregnant, despite the fact that we understood biological functions and the way they work. I am sure I would have made it even more annoying by saying as many other women do, "Oh my gosh, can't believe I actually got pregnant." Being a semi-bitter infertile woman, I have often wanted to point out that if you have unprotected sex, there should be no surprise when you find yourself pregnant.

Fortunately, despite my semi-bitterness, I also have a love for new life, even if I can't create it, and usually will enjoy celebrating with them. I'm not going to lie, tears sometimes are part of that celebration and not the happy ones. It's not exactly jealousy, but more of a reminder of the loss I have experienced.

Oh yeah, I was telling my story, after a year had passed with little results, we began to actively try. You know with ovulation tests, temperature tracking etc.

That was the worst. Each month, we would try, we would hope, then it was like three days of torture. I would count down to the day of my period. I inevitably would begin to feel cramps, have mood swings and would know pretty certainly that my visitor was on the way. Yet, no matter how certain I was, no matter how much evidence there was to its arrival when it came, it would be as if I had just lost this non-existent child.

Infertility is weird that way. You grieve over a child that never truly existed. People understand miscarriage because there was a child, infertility is harder to understand unless you have walked that path. It seems like any other disappointment, but only those who have truly experienced it can relate. The pain of the unwanted visitor's arrival is always a letdown, no matter how sure you are that it will come.

So why am I reminiscing the old torture, you ask?

Because soon I am expecting to embark on the same journey. I am beginning to realize my biggest aversion to IVF is that I've been through the ups and downs of trying to get pregnant.

I didn't like it.

We actively pursued pregnancy for five years, before we hung up that pursuit and pursued adoption. The path proved a positive one with the adoption of our daughter and our eventual meeting of many foster children. Yet, we're chugging forward with the IVF train again.

I'm glad for the change for many reasons, but I have to admit, there is a part of me that does not want to do it. Afraid of that three-day wait fearful of the visitor's arrival. The worst is when there are no PMS symptoms or when the visitor arrives late. How will I handle this? Do I really want to go through the pain all over again? What if I miscarry?

For now, I am going to hold my head up high with my eyes to the Lord. I am going to pray and hope. Just as I still am in hope that we will get a foster child that we will someday adopt. Only God knows what our future will bring.

Does God Give Us More Than We Can Handle

Did you know that the phrase, "God will never give you more than you can handle," was actually stated from Mother Theresa, not the Bible? Okay, those weren't her exact words, but the fact that this saying is not even biblical, fills me up with so much relief.

So many times when people have said this to me, I sometimes feel like I must be weak. 

Yes, I always manage my way through the day, week, month, year, lifetime that I thought was so intolerable, but I never make it through alone. I always, always, need help from my friends, my husband, my family, and of course my God. Sometimes life is more than I can handle alone. 

Then I realized, God may not have said that he wouldn't give you more than you could bear, but he does often give us enough where we have to rely on other people. God does not want us to handle this stuff alone.

Proverbs 18:24 There are "friends" who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.

A friend of mine has been going through a really hard time. She ended up spending some time in the hospital due to a nervous breakdown. This was not because she is weak or because she didn't have enough faith. She just has too much on her plate. Essentially a nervous breakdown means we have more on our plate than we can handle alone. She needed the help from doctor's to make it through.

God gives us stuff so we rely on other people. He wants us to need the fellowship of others. If it wasn't so, then he wouldn't have said that his two greatest commandments were loving Him and loving others. Oh and let's not forget:

1 Corinthians 13:13, "Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love."  

Through my fertility issues, I've clung to the hope that we will have a big family. Quite recently, I went through a bad patch of feelings I didn't know existed within me anymore.

My hope was gone.

My faith in God allowed me to acknowledge this was not because he didn't love me, or had forgotten me, my faith was not shaken, but even through my faith I was broken and depressed. It was not my faith that got me through it. It was the love. The love I got from friends, family, scripture. I reached out to many and a few reached back. I believe this is what God wants.

I think instead of teaching people that God will never give us more than we can bear, we should say, "Share your burden, it will lighten your load." Because sometimes, we do have more than we can bear alone. It's not because we are weak or faithless, we are created to need people. We are created to need Him. Love may not heal all things, but it makes the worst of the stuff much more bearable.

Grief is the Ultimate Pain

Last year, something happened that really shook me. It's one of those things that will probably stick with me forever. I spent a long period of time uncovering the truth, by the time the truth was uncovered for me many lies were revealed and I realized that I needed to move on. Part of me wanted to expose the truth, but by then my voice was no longer heard. I prayed for direction and discernment and found peace.

The thing that saddens me most is that even though I have uncovered the truth, the damage is done. There is no way to fix the problem, because even with the truth it's still a big uncomfortable mess.

Sometimes I wish you could put a band-aide over life. You could make things heal, without leaving scars. You could right the wrongs.

But that is life. You cannot change the past just as much as you cannot change other people. You can change the direction of your future, learn from mistakes, but ultimately there are somethings you just have to grieve, say goodbye to, and move on. Personally, I think the last three things are the hardest part of life. I can handle illness, I can handle pain, I can even handle disappointments, but loss is a different kind of pain that I just don't do well with.

Shoving Their Opinion Down My Throat - A Minor Rant

Honestly, I have never understood this phrase. I was reading a blog that shared a strong opinion on an issue, (the issue is irrelevant here). Because the topic perked my interest, I was curious about the responses and therefore read them. I was surprised over the number of people who wrote, "Stop trying to shove your opinions down my throat," along with, "stop trying to force other people to do things they don't want to do."

To me, a blog is somewhere where you can share your opinions, express your ideas, and be yourself. A blog is in essence, mere words.

If someone does not agree with you, I understand that person pointing out their opinion and explaining why they disagree. I don't agree with people doing so in a disrespectful, distasteful way, yet it is not surprising to me. On the other hand, when people say, you are trying to shove your opinions down their throat, this phrase confuses me.

The reader chose to read it. At any given time, they could have decided, this is rubbish and gotten off the page. As far as forcing/controlling another person. How in God's green earth, can you force someone to do something by mere words on a computer screen. If someone has that much power over someone else, there are serious issues, and I don't mean with the writer.

My daughter is nine. On countless occasions when she was younger (a phase she has thankfully grown out of), she would try to tell me she was forced to do something. We then would go into a discussion about just because someone says do it, doesn't mean you do it. No one can force you to do things with mere words. Amazingly, she now understands it, and stands her ground when dealing with opposition. To that I am proud.

I guess someone could potentially argue with me about a person who threatens another person with death or cruelty to a loved one, and how this could potentially be forcing someone to do something, but I am not talking about threats here. We are talking about voicing one's opinion. I have many of them. They change from day to day, as I learn, grow, and understand things. What I believe is right today, may not be what I believe is right tomorrow, whether it be due to circumstances, education, or a number of other things. So when I voice my opinion, I am not trying to convince someone that my reasoning is right, I'm not trying to force anyone to do anything, I am just using my little piece of this world and speaking my mind, which incidentally changes on occasion.

The Only Downside of Being an Adoptive Mom

I would recommend adoption a hundred times over again. Even through all the beaucratic hassles, it's so well worth it. But the one downside of being an adoptive mom, at least to one who was adopted as an older child is that you spend many nights trying to explain to them how much you really love them.

It always starts the same way. She will tell me she is upset about something. Maybe it's about how we won't buy her an iPad or we made her buy off the dollar menu at a restaurant. But she's not really upset about these things. She's upset and she needs to find a reason to justify her feelings, so she pretends it is something else. She will get big tears that do not match the issue at hand.

As we talk, I eventually uncover the truth. She's upset she is adopted, she is afraid we don't love her, she hates being different from her friends.

We then will talk. I'll show her all the people she loves who she is not biologically related to. I will remind her of foster kids we all loved. I will tell her what family means to me and remind her of her Aunt Amber or her Uncle Jeff, neither whom share mine or Kevin's blood, but are as much a part of our family as if they had. I will show her as many ways as I can, that blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than both.

One of these will strike a chord, and she will smile. She will tell me how lucky she is, or that I'm the best mom in the world, or a number of different ways that tells me, she gets it. But I know, in a few months, I will get a doe eyed child with tears brimming ready to spill, and she will tell me she is upset about something that is not the real issue.

We will pull over to the side of the road, or crawl up in her top bunk, or cuddle on the couch, and have that conversation again. Each time the words are different, but each time it ends with a smile and her seeming to understand.

So yeah, that's the downside of being an adoptive mom. You have to prove your love over and over and over again. I wouldn't change it for the world, but I guess in a way, it's a reminder to stop and listen and talk and love.

Bullying

One of the most frustrating things I experience as a mom with a child in the public schools is the overuse of the word "bullying." The school's are trying to make kids aware of what bullying is, by oversimplifying it. So now, it is not uncommon for my daughter to say, "I was bullied today." She then tells a story of a kid who was rude to her, obnoxious, ornery, etc, but not really bullying.

Of course, I then attempt to explain the difference between bullying and what she is experiencing.

I then realize why the schools, especially in elementary school, take the oversimplified way of teaching children what bullying is, because even I am too afraid to share with her the numerous stories of children being bullied and feeling so desperate they take their own life. 

So after repetitive incorrect uses of the word bullying by my daughter, I decided to look it up, and see how to discuss what bullying really is. I came across stopbullying.org website. They defined bullying as a repetitive abuse of an imbalance in power. That is when I realized the key to explaining it to her is repetitive abuse, not the one snotty comment that hurts her feelings.

In my lifetime, I have definitely seen my share of bullying. I did have a brief period myself that may be defined as bullying, but it was short-lived and though it destroyed my self-confidence for longer than the bullying lasted, it has shaped a lot of my life decisions. I need to pray for my daughter and any future children I have, that they do not experience this, but more than that, I need to show them, no matter what happens out in the world, I love them, Kevin loves them, they have a huge support system that will cheer them on, even when the world pushes them down.

I cannot stop what happens outside of my home. What I can do, is I can teach my children love. Not just that they are loved, but that they should love others. This is a hard task, especially since so many other areas in life are teaching them how to judge, hate, criticize, condemn. I do my best, but I guess, more than that, I need to pray that she learns love. Because I can only do so much, so much of what happens outside of my home, is up to her.

Although there are many reasons why I'd love to homeschool, I hope and pray that because we've decided to do the public school route, that she will be a light when there is darkness.

It Takes a Village to Raise a Child: Or So It Should

Too many young mothers are mothering alone. I am not talking about dad's leaving, although that happens way too often, but I'm talking about the even bigger alone. Yes, many women rely on advice from books and magazines, some rely on friends with kids, while others are all alone.

There is something greatly missing in our society that God has instructed us to do, which is found in Titus 2:3-5. It tells women to mentor younger women in the relationships with their husbands and children. This verse is not referring to older women bossing the younger women telling them the right and wrong way to raise a child, criticizing and directing. It says:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good and so train the young women to love their husbands and children,  to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, and the word of God may not be reviled. 

Notice it says that older women teach what is good and to train the young women to love their husbands and children. This is very specific. God doesn't care if we feed our children organic or store bought food. He does not care what educational tools we give our children. He does not care whether we potty train at one or three. What he does care is that we not only love with our hearts, but love our husbands and children with our actions.

I am blessed in that I have a mother who guides me, encourages me, and helps teach me how to love my daughter. So many families are missing this. Grandmothers either are too busy with their own lives, or they focus way too much attention on spoiling their grandchildren that they neglect supporting their own children in the raising of the grandchild. Love is more than hugs and kisses, but disciplining in a loving, respectful manner.
Too often, moms are so busy keeping up with sporting events, work, chores, cooking, cleaning, play dates, etc. that we are unable to stop and just love our children. More than that, we also don't have others stopping and loving us either.

My mom has done a great job in that when I want to talk about my struggles with my daughter she listens. She also reminds me that my daughter is just a little girl. She focuses her time on my daughter, when she sees I need to focus time on me. She focuses her time on me, when I need someone to talk to. I am also fortunate that I have many older women in my life, including my husbands family, my aunts and grandmother, friends from my old church and my new church. I am blessed, I have this amazing support system that helps me not only know how to love my husband and my daughter, but allows me to breathe so I have more energy to expend love on my husband and daughter.

Many lovely women I know are lacking this support. They are mothering without guidance. No one steps up to listen, support, and love. We need more love in our society. We need to be more family-centered and community-centered. We've lost that in our busy haste in this world.

Another great verse that reminds us to support the younger generation:

1 Peter 5:1-5 - So I exhort the elders among you, as a fellow elder and a witness of the sufferings of Christ, as well as a partaker in the glory that is going to be revealed: shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly; not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory. Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders. Clothe yourselves, all of you, with humility toward one another, for “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

How To Pay for IVF?

Paying for IVF is just one of my many fears surrounding doing in vitro. Although it is not my biggest fear, it is probably the one that's on my mind the most lately.

I think the most fearful thing is that I know there is a possibility we will spend all 16,000 dollars with nothing to show for it. It's a risk I am afraid to take. I know it's just money, and if it works then it will be money well spent, but if it does not... I am going to have to be okay with it. I won't have any other option, except to be okay with it.

Recently I found out you can get scholarships for IVF. This really excited me until I read the requirements. A year ago and every year before, we would have qualified, but of course the year I finally realized about it, we no longer qualify.

Previously Kevin and I saved up for in vitro, but when our doctor retired early, we decided to place that money towards a student loan, which paid it off, so that's great, but that means once we realized we were going to still proceed with in vitro, we had nothing saved.

In September, we decided to start saving for in vitro again. At that time, my car died and I had to buy a new vehicle. This meant that the money we were going to be saving for in vitro would be spent on a new vehicle.

Then it occurred to us with winter coming, we would be better off to get a pellet stove then pay for the gas to heat our house again, especially after we did a year assessment on how much was spent last year. This has proved to be a wise decision due to the extremely cold weather this year, but that also meant that all the money that came in that month went directly towards our new purchase. Therefore, we still had nothing saved.

Oh yes, then December came, not only did we have Christmas to pay for, but also the winter insurance on our house, vehicle insurance for the next six months, and on top of that I smashed my husbands paid off jeep into a fence when I lost control on ice. So yet again, no savings.

So how much do we have saved for it after three months of saving: $0.00

Yes, not even a single cent.

Theoretically I know where the money is going to come from, and it will be here before May. But I don't know what is going to happen between now and May? What unexpected expenses will come up?

I am trusting that we will earn the money before May comes along, but as everytime we hear the money is coming in, something happens and the money goes out before we have a chance to see it in our account; I'm scared. What if the money doesn't come? I guess, I must assume that God is closing the door to that, at least for our May start date. I have to trust that if God wants us to take this route, he will provide the money.

I sometimes think that is why not having a foster care placement has bothered me so much. I feel like none of our efforts are going anywhere.

Today, I will breath in and breath out. I will try to focus my life on something else. Maybe my writing or reorganizing my house. I need something to keep me distracted. I know worrying is my weakness. I worry. So breathe, pray, be active, pray, distract and pray. We should be okay.

In Case You Didn't Know, I'm Plus-Sized and Overweight

Did you know I'm overweight and plus-sized. In case you're curious, this is what I look like. Not the best shot, since I'm wearing a coat, but since I'm not into selfies and I'm usually the one behind the camera, this was the best full-body shot I could find. I am curvy, which you can't tell here, so I have a narrow waist, and well you can see how wide my hips are. Not terribly, but I do wear a size ten jeans. So does this plus-sized model. Yes, apparently size 10 makes you plus sized, and at 160 pounds on my 5'7 1/2" frame causes me to be one pound overweight.

When I think of plus-sized, I think of the XL section of the store. In case you're wondering, my shirts range from Small to Large, dependent on the brand, and my pj pants are always Large, more because Medium is too short and that annoys me. In other words, a woman who could potentially wear a Small T-shirt at some stores is considered plus-sized. 

Do you find anything wrong with that? 

Now, I do normally wear medium and large, but I have had to exchange for a small on more than one occasion. I personally feel, I should not look at the size, but how it looks on me. Because as far as I am concerned S stands for Sensational, M stands for Magnificent, and L stands for Lovely. So yes, XL would definitely be extra Lovely. Don't you think? 

But that's not the way our culture thinks. We instead are obsessed with size and weight and we like to claim that well-proportioned women are plus-sized. 

Granted, if I lay off the cookies (oh I love cookies) and drank less milk (which I drink at every supper) I'd probably shed five pounds in a year, but the truth is, I don't want to.

Nor do I think I should be told I am plus-sized or overweight. I work out the recommended three two times a week for thirty to forty minutes a day. Yes I have room for improvement, but overall I'm healthy. We need to stop focusing on weights and numbers, and we definitely should stop telling our girls that women like me are overweight or plus-sized. I'm not even saying plus-sized is a bad thing, but if I'm considered plus-sized, what is someone who wears size 16 and up pants considered or actually wears XL clothing?

According to the BMI charts, I should weigh between 118 and 159. The problem with that scale is I know what I look like at 125 pounds. For my friends who knew me when I was ill, and people who saw my wedding photos and asked me if I was anorexic, I weighed 125 pounds the six months prior to getting married. I literally did not eat (tube-fed) for three of those months due to surgeries and complications. At 135 pounds, people would often comment on how small-framed I was, it wasn't until I reached 145, I stopped getting comments on how thin/sickly I looked. I was not healthy at 135, and I sure wasn't healthy at 125.

Personally, I think 145 to 150 is my ideal weight, but my ideal weight isn't the issue at hand. The issue at hand is that girls are being told that people like me, are plus-sized. We need to stop focusing so much on body-image and focus on health and healthy choices. I will never wear a size four jeans. Literally, when people thought I was anorexic, I wore a size six jeans. My hips are too wide, even with barely any fat on them. It's just not going to be me.

We need to stop worrying about our weight, and worry about the stuff we put in our bodies and the stuff we do to our bodies. We also need to change the way we view beautiful. Why does a woman who is gorgeous, but wears size ten jeans considered plus-sized? Because we live in a country where thin is beautiful, even when thin is unhealthy. 

On the flip side, my sister-in-law is considered underweight by BMI standards (before she got pregnant anyway), despite her very healthy relationship with food. I remember her telling me of people asking her if she was anorexic. If you knew her, you would know she is not. Yet, she has a very beautiful face that is full and not thin. She just happens to have a slender build, but it's healthy. You can tell by the fat in her cheeks and the healthy glow of her skin. Yet, people so badly want to make themselves feel that just because she is naturally thin and they are not, there must be something wrong with her. 

We need to stop trying to fat-shame and even thin-shame other women. Instead, I think we should remind ourselves of two of my favorite verses: 

1 Samuel 16:7 - But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD look at the heart."

Proverbs 31:30 - Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.  

 Maybe it's not as much of our distorted view of outward beauty, but our distorted view of beauty altogether. Is the person who has flawless skin and a perfect body, yet quick to twerk in front of millions and not shy to flip the bird truly beautiful. 

Beauty is the woman who radiates love. Who is patient and kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud, nor rude, nor self-seeking, not easily angered, does not keep records of wrongs, does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth, protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres. I think we would be much better off if we stopped focusing on accepting ourselves and our body shape, and instead focused on what really matters. That's the change we need to make. If we took the energy we put in front of the mirror and at the gym, and put it towards loving one another, I think there would be a lot less body issues in our culture. 

Goodbye to You, Goodbye to Everything I Knew

Michelle Branch's song, "Goodbye to You," has resonated with me since the very first time I heard it, which was actually during a concert of hers. I stood not even fifty feet from her. Although the meaning behind the song has changed for me over time.

I've never connected to the romantic aspects of it, but the first was when I realized I had lost a friend, not physically, but emotionally. She was mentally ill and I couldn't handle the ups and downs of her life. It was also hard to not keep letting her back in my life, even though she would befriend and debefriend me frequently. But I learned, sometimes you have to let go, even when it hurts and it doesn't feel natural. You cannot allow yourself to be abused.

Then there is the theoretical, "you." This "you" is plural and more of a dream of a being than anything else. I always imagined having a big family. I assumed by the time I was thirty, I would have a houseful, I would be done adding to my family, and be more active in their lives than my own. Although I am quite active in my daughter's life, she is now more increasingly independent and her friends and her sports have become a bigger part of her life than they used to be. I find I have a lot of time to focus on myself, but the truth is - although millions of women wish they had time for themselves, I'd trade that time in a second for a chance to build our family.

It's funny, how words to a song can mean something different to you, dependent of your circumstances. In case you are curious, here are the lyrics and what they mean to me:
 

Of all the things I've believed in

I just want to get it over with

(I believed my life would be different, and I was ready to build that life at 22. It's ten years later, and though I'm happy for the most part, there is a part of me that yearns for more. Although I'm beginning to realize I need to say goodbye to that dream. It's the hardest thing to do, to decide you are going to change your life plans.)

Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

(Yeah I don't think I have to explain this one.)

I've been searching deep down in my soul

(Actually I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Talking to God, trying to decide where to go from here.

Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old

(People say a lot of dumb things to infertile people, most the time I laugh it off, but every so often it stings nonetheless, but I never give hint to that. Some of the most caring, thoughtful people are the ones that say the dumbest things. So you have to forgive them. )

It feels like I'm starting all over again

(Yup)

The last three years were just pretend

(Although I would say I've been trying to build our family for ten, the last three and a half years is how long I've been trying for a second child. The first one took me five years, it looks like this one will take about that long as well. )

And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew

(I'm preparing myself to saying goodbye to my adoption dreams)

You were the one I loved

(This is the only line that doesn't hold true, because my loves are my husband and my daughter, this was more of a desire, a hope, a dream.)

The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

(But man did I try to hold onto this dream, hold onto it so tight that it is so incredibly difficult to let go.)

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Well, I'm leaving our foster care license open for a few months at least, maybe longer, but I packed the clothes away, and preparing myself for the fact that we are going to try the in vitro route. It scares me to no end. I'm afraid to be pregnant, I'm afraid of having a miscarriage, I'm afraid of having a child prematurely, afraid of multiples and the risks that lie within, and more afraid than anything that it won't work out and we'll be at square one all over again. But it's time to pass my fears to God, and trudge forward.

I need to accept that adoption might not be the route God wants us to take. I need to put those dreams to rest, every second of every day. I need to say goodbye. As I teach my daughter, sometimes the scariest hardest routes are the ones most worth taking.

It's ironic I spent the first five years mourning my fertility, and mourning the second five years as I learn to rely on it. At least I know when all is said and done, at least I have one beautiful daughter. I am blessed, no matter how discouraged or frustrated I am.

The Importance of Being Earnest: Ask, and thou shall receive?

One of the most frustrating things for me when I am sincerely asking for someone to pray for me is when that person says, "I will pray for God's will." To me it's like saying, "I will pray that the earth will spin." Well, of course, God's will will happen. Everything that happens on this earth is His will, the good, the bad, and the ugly! 

Don't get me wrong, the bible does say pray according to His will,

1 John 5:17 - And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:

But notice it does not say, pray for his will, it says pray according to his will. There is a huge difference. He is asking for us to realize that when he says no, it's not in His will, but for goodness sakes ask, and ask fervently. 

I know semantics shamantics, but the difference is because there is power in prayer. Yes, His will will happen whether we pray, but He wants us to talk to Him. He wants us to ask Him. He wants us to seek answers. He doesn't want us to blindly say, "God do your will." There is no emotion in that, there is no power. We need to sincerely and earnestly ask Him. 

Believe it or not, He does listen. So can we change His Will through prayer, begging, beseeching Him? No, we do not have that power, but He does. So will He change His will? Why yes! 

Look at 1 Samuel, when the people were asking for a King. It clearly states that God's will for His people, was to have God as their ruler, so having a human king did not fit into that mold. But God heard the people and he provided a king for them, with the exact specifications of what they wanted. What they learned is that it was not exactly what they wanted. 

This is probably not the best example, since it was God giving people a second rate future to what He had planned, but in the end God used all of this for His purpose.

Some people read such verses as, 

John 14:13 - And whatsoever ye shall ask in my name, that will I do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son.

and misinterpret it to mean, He will say yes, if only we seek Him fully, have enough faith. Yet reread the verse carefully and notice the last part of that, "That the Father may be glorified in the Son." He answers yes, when He can be glorified. If saying yes will serve less eternal resilience than saying no, he will say no. His reason for answering yes to our prayers is for the eternal good of our souls, not the temporary comfort of our bodies.

Another slightly misunderstood verse is:

Matthew 17:17 - Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:

People often read this verse and not the rest of the chapter. If you read slightly further you can see that God does promise to give you what you ask for, but he's specific about what kind of things he is referring to: 

Matthew 7:7-11 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!

He's not saying, I will say yes to any prayer you ask, but he is saying, if you sincerely ask for help, for a need, he will answer it. It's not always going to be the answer you are hoping or expecting, but the answer He will give you is good. 

I know it's heart breaking when someone dies, especially when you've been praying earnestly for their healing, but we only understand our worldly lives, not the eternal nature of our souls. God will bless you for your prayers, He will give you the help you were seeking, He will give your loved one the help they were seeking, but for the good of our souls not our bodies. Sometimes, what is best for our eternal soul is not comfortable to our earthly bodies or our earthly hearts and desires. 

Another powerful verse that explains this, and is quite humbly is James 4:3:

You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions.

Also God wants us to be persistent. Yes, he wants us to spend every waking moment asking him for our desires. He also honors persistence. 

Luke 18:1-8 And he told them a parable to the effect that they ought always to pray and not lose heart. He said, "In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor respected man. And there was a widow in that city who kept coming to him and saying, 'Give me justice against my adversary.' For a while he refused, but afterward he said to himself, 'Though I neither fear God nor respect man, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will give her justice, so that she will not beat me down by her continual coming.'"

 He wants us to turn to Him with our concerns, our hopes, our dreams. He wants us to "pray without ceasing." (1 Thessalonians 5:17)

Time after time in the bible He asks us to ask. And not just to ask, but be specific such as His call for those to pray over the sick and prayer to be forgiven for sin. 

James 5:14-15 - Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:

Proverbs 28:13- He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but who so confesseth and forsaketh [them] shall have mercy.

We often worry first, pray second. I know I am guilty. Even when we initially go to God in prayer, we still try to fix the problem ourselves and not spending our time truly and earnestly in prayer. He wants us to turn to Him. Just as we want people to turn to us, talk to us, spend time with us, these are His desires. So my point is, we need to ask God, be specific, and not rely on platitudes and sayings when we address the sincere prayer requests of our loved ones, but truly search our heart and compassion and pray on their behalf sincerely.  

Prison Penalties and Mild Misdemeanors

Before I continue, I want you to know I have never done drugs nor do I condone the use of drugs, that being said over the past year I have witnessed injustices in the court system involving the punishment fitting the crime. Some are big, some are small, but all of them are a shame.

Jail is to punish someone for breaking minor laws, while prison is to protect the general public from those who do harm to others. That being said, I am not sure I agree with putting people in prison for the use of a drug, when there are no other victims involved. I guess when I read the quote from Marijuana Prison Statistics:

“According to the US Department of Justice, 30-40 percent of all current prison admissions involve crimes that have no direct or obvious victim other than the perpetrator,” the report shows. “The drug category constitutes the largest offense category, with 31 percent of all prison admissions resulting from such crimes.” Nearly a third of all prison admissions are from non violent drug offenses!

If a person is only harming themselves, then they need help, not punishment. I would say jail would be acceptable in many of these cases, required rehab a definite, but prison, no. I'm not talking about drug dealers, as they do have victims affect the lives of others. I also feel differently regarding those who cook meth inside their home where children live, since that does affect others, but for those who are doing things that are not affecting anyone but themselves, we as a society do not need to be protected from them. We need to help them. GIVE THEM REHAB, not prison time!

I guess I feel that our country is punishing the wrong people. This is probably more evident to me with certain cases I have seen, like this one where a man rapes a teenage girl four times threatening to kill her parents. His sentence was four years in a community corrections program, six years of parole, and gets to go back home to his three daughters, but don't worry he is on the sex registry list, cannot leave the state grounds, nor can he get served alcohol at a party. Being a for the most part non-drinker who rarely leaves the state, I don't find this much of a punishment at all. He deserves to go to prison.

Although more than that, in the past year I have gotten to know two mothers who have had men who have raped their children. Both men were father figures, both men were found guilty of rape, both men are free and their children are not yet out of grade school. Prison time did occur for one of them, briefly (three to four years), and the other got some jail time and parole. One of these men lives with children in his home. This doesn't seem right to me.

Now, I looked up the statistics, only 0.5 percent of people are in prison for marijuana possession only. Most drug related is for selling or trafficking. Although that seems low, that is still one out of two hundred prisoners. Since there are 2.5 million prisoners in our country that means 125,000 people are in prison and their only crime is marijuana posession. Marijuana is a plant, it grows naturally. Yes, they are breaking a law, and when we break laws their needs to be punishments, but prison? Prison is notorious for violence, rape, and other otrocities I don't want to think about. Should we really be putting someone in a place with murderers, rapists, just because they chose to smoke a naturally made product? It's against the law, so sure jail time, sure a fine, but I don't feel threatened by the man who chooses to smoke weed next door, so why on earth should he go to prison.

So yeah, this is my latest pet peeve. I had a more personal instance, being a foster parent where I felt the punishment did not fit the crime, but then this is not really the time and place to share about it. I guess, I am tired of hearing of people hurting children and getting petty fines or short-term jail stays, while people whose only crime is harming themselves get much steeper.

RANT OVER!

Merry Christmas!!!

2013 was a year of learning. We had one of our longest term foster care placements this year. She came to us at two months, left at eight months, and has been visiting us ever since. We learned that we can love someone as our own, survive the goodbye, and have room for yet another. Our sweet, funny foster child inherited her personality from her mother and was an absolute delight to have. After only a few meetings with the two of them, it was clear Little One belonged with her mom. Although we miss her terribly, we know she is where she should be.

Littles joined the competitive gymnastics team, learned to do a back handspring, and got two red ribbons at our her first meet. (Blue being highest, red being second highest.) Last school year, she made it to finals for her swim team. Only two girls in her age range had this honor, and she was one of them.

Kevin has continued doing well at work, learned that dogs are man’s best friend, cat’s are second-rate pets, and chopping wood is not for wusses. Okay, well maybe, I learned the last one, as he and I have spent several weekends chopping wood. Something he really enjoys, and well, let’s just say I enjoy spending time with my husband.

I too, have spent the year learning. Estoy aprendiendo español (I am learning Spanish), which uses way more brain power than I’d like to admit. I have gotten back into my writing, including starting a blog. And I am eagerly awaiting another foster care call. Not much enjoying the ups and downs of the foster care system, but much enjoying the children they bring to us.

Next year we are looking forward to meeting our new niece, who is due March 4th. We are not planning on expanding our pet hoarding endeavors, but not opposed to expanding our family with a foster child or two. Who knows where the Lord will lead us? Regardless of what the Lord wills, we feel blessed to have such wonderful family and friends.

Sincerely,

Kevin, Angela, Little Miss, Skeezix, Misty, Polly, and Tweeg. Miss too has had a year of learning by finishing third grade starting fourth. She ha

I Wish I Was George Bailey

It's a Wonderful Life will always be one of my all time favorite movies, because I hope that I am like George Bailey. I hope that the sacrifices I make, the decisions I make, the people I love have an impact.

I have to admit, many times I feel purposeless. I am a three time college dropout with no end in sight, no real career, I have big dreams, but chose a different path for reasons I couldn't control. Although I am so incredibly blessed with people in my life and happy ninety five percent of the time, every so often when I look in the mirror, I am discouraged by who looks back at me. Yet I will continue to trudge forward. Teaching my daughter how to be independent realizing that my goal is essentially to make my role no longer needed, preparing her for a world independent of me.

I am going to continue to try to make the best decisions possible. I'm going to try to keep loving people even when the love is not returned. I'm going to work every day trying to achieve my goals while still putting what is most important first. I'm going to forgive even when I'd rather be the one forgiven. I'm going to be the best me I can be, and when I fail, brush myself off and start all over. I'm going to try to always do what is right, not what is easy. I'm going to hope that my existence on this earth is more of a blessing than a curse.

I guess I identify with George Bailey. He wanted a different life, but chose the one he had because he felt it was the right thing to do. It made a world of a difference. I know my life has not saved an entire town from the corrupt hands of a ruthless man, I have not saved a person's life, heck I have not even created life, but I do hope that my existence was important enough that at the end of my life, God will be glad I was here. Yet, there are those brief moments when that person in the mirror looks back at me and I think, "maybe I chose the wrong path."

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

I have been spending the past week in utter anticipation of what the future holds. To be more specific, what Tuesday, December 3, 2013 holds.

I was called last Wednesday with a potential foster child. I was told I might be picking the child up that day. My first reaction was calm, unexpectant, and a little removed from the situation. Five minutes later she said, "Change of plans, we will call you on Tuesday."

So I wait. Thursday was fun, my mind was busy with many loved ones. Friday was great, I was busy with babysitting and hanging out with my daughter. Saturday I had the excitement of the Sound of Music to look forward to, which by the way was awesome!!!

Then Sunday came, and I felt sick, spent most the day in bed.

Then today came.

Theoretically, I had a busy day, so my mind should have been preoccupied. I began the day with chores, then driving to a funeral. Up to this point, I was fine, thinking and praying for the beautiful lady who passed away.

I drove home, and then my thoughts shifted to Tuesday. I am supposed to get a call one way or another. It didn't matter if I was in class, talking on the phone with friends, spending time with 15 girl scouts, my mind was wandering. What to expect, what to expect, what to expect? So today, I wait. I will go to bed in a few minutes. Fortunately, I do not stay awake when I am anxious, I fall asleep the moment my head hits the pillow, but when I awake in the morning, I will be by my phone.

How will I feel if they say, no? Crushed, but not broken.

How will I feel if they say, yes? A mix of a million emotions, unsure what to expect.

So, will it happen? Only the Lord knows.

God Is Enough

The moment I saw this ad, something changed in me:

It was not the message it was trying to get across, but rather the family behind it. The mom who lost her only little boy. I read this sign three times before I began to see why this hit me so hard. 

When I was ten years old, my cousin Keith died at the age of eighteen. He left behind a mom and a dad. I ended up growing close to my Aunt Kathy, his mom, and she confided in me how great of a loss losing a child was. I remember back then, I felt sorry she didn't have any other children. Not that the joy of one child replaces the loss of another, because I am not deluded enough to believe that, but when you lose a child, your only child, you lose the name Mom as well. You'll always be a mom, but you don't get to hear that sweet name. 

Then it hit me. 

Something unconscious, but ever so present. 

I know why it's so important to me to have more children. 

My entire life, it seems I have been very aware that bad things happen, and they can happen to me. It caused me to make very conservative choices. I wanted to make sure I made all the right decisions, so little bad would happen. The thing is, bad things still happened. 

By the time I was twenty, I knew choices only stop certain things from happening, but ultimately God is in control. God allows certain things to happen, and with each bad thing, I would see a hundred blessings as a result. It was only then I began to trust in God. There is a big difference between believing in God and trusting Him.

The thing is, I'm human. I haven't fully trusted in God. The reason my infertility still bothers me, even after I had adopted my daughter, is because I don't want to be alone. 

So unconsciously, I had decided I needed to protect myself by having a big family. I essentially am telling God, He's not enough. The thing is - He is. He is enough whether our only child has passed away, whether our spouse who we were supposed to grow old with dies before us, whether our twenty-five year marriage ends in a bitter divorce, whether our house is engulfed in flames. He is enough.

Let me step back, I should probably explain what God is enough means to me. It means, even when we are heartbroken, we can find contentment by resting in  Him.

 I need to come to terms with the fact that even if my daughter dies before me, and I do not have other children, He is enough.

So I guess I am saying, I need to stop trying to protect myself. I need to accept my life and consciously decide that God is enough. I need to trust Him. Time and time again, He has shown me the blessings in all the hard things sent my way, so even when I'm on the bad side of good, I know good is coming.

Ironically, this is stuff I know, I just need to remind myself of this daily, heck I need to remind myself this hourly. It's a hard fact to face.

I still want a big family, I still will pray for it, but God is enough. Man, I need help with this.

The Things I Miss Most While My Husband Is Gone

So last week, my husband went hunting, which left me a hunting widow. I was a single mom for one week, which with a single child was not too difficult. Although it surprised me what I missed most about my husband. Here is just a small list:

• I had to carry the bag of pellets to the pellet stove. This is difficult, because I am weak and the pellet stove is downstairs. Carrying forty pounds of weight out of the garage, up the porch, across the kitchen, down the stairs, across the family room is hard work.
• I had to pull something gross hanging from the dog's bottom. This is a duty (pun intended) that usually lies with my husband. I clean up vomit, he takes care of the dingleberries, it's an

  

  Yes, this is a dog, and the one I had to
  rescue from a dingle berry. UGH!

  unspoken agreement that has served us well.  
• I couldn't call his name every time I saw a dead mouse that needed disposed of. Tweeg, our indoor outdoor cat, brings us a love offering at least once a day. Not only am I creeped out by the vast number he has caught, but that there seems to be no end in sight. On top of that, I am petrified of these nasty little critters. I handle them dead just slightly better than when they are alive. I would just ignore these blasted things and let nature take its course until my husband got home, except we have dogs who think these love offerings are intended for their consumption, which to me is actually worse than the love offering itself! Fortunately, I did find a way around this and traded one of my daughter's daily chores for the disposing of these. She loved the easy task, and I was spared the nastiness. Win/win. Yes, she's less of a wimp than I am. 
• I had to bring in the 36 lb box of litter into the house by myself, I postponed the changing of the litter, so I did not have to carry in the 36 lb box of litter out of my car, through the garage, up the porch, through the kitchen, down the stairs, through the family room, and into the bathroom.
• Oh, yeah, and you know... the hugs and kisses, they were missed too... of course.

Yes, so I am glad to have my loving, devoted, strong, non-wimpy man around the house again. 

Couch to 5K to So Much More

Yes, that's me after my run during my first 5K.
My time was horrible, not even going to share, but I did get a trophy.
Everyone who ran with a dog did, so it wasn't due to my great effort.

Running to me is a metaphor for the impossible. I have wanted to be a runner for years. Not because I enjoy running. I hate running. You have no destination in mind, sweating buckets, breathing hard, thinking of anything to help pass the time while enduring this torturous self-inflicted act. Yet this was a desire of mine because I couldn't do it.

In college, I tried to run, but with my ulcerative colitis and constant flares, I was never able to have the energy to really run. Plus my knees always hurt even from the simple task of walking up and down stairs. This is a side effect of my illness.

Then five years later, I was "cured" of my disease, but every stinking time I would try to run my ankles would swell. Then I learned I had asthma, then my knees started swelling. Everything pointed to me not becoming a runner.

My husband often jokes, "You are not well equipped for physical activity." So when I told Kevin, "I want to start running." His response was, I don't think that's a good idea. He thought I'd injure myself... again.

But I was determined.

So I went to the doctor, told them my plans, got stretches to help with my knees, orthopedics for my ankles, and a suggestion on how to decrease my chances of irritating my asthma.

My goal: to run a 5K.

And well, I did it!

Okay, the race was a flop, but on the road, I can run a 5K.

I never thought I would be able to run. After discussing extensively with my doctor, and a multitude of other stuff, I could do it. It told me, if I can run, I can do anything. To you, my goal may have seemed trivial, but to me, it was much harder. This was the one thing in my life, I thought was beyond my capabilities.

No, I will probably never enjoy running, but I'm doing it for my health, for my own self-satisfaction, and to remind myself that I can do anything.

So I will continue to work on being a better runner, but I have other plans. Bigger ones. Things that I feel too shy to share because I'm not sure how long they will take, or where to start. But there they are in my brain, with a file in my computer storing data on how to achieve these dreams. Do you have those dreams, the ones you're not ready to share, but you are working towards? Yeah, I have tons of those.