If you know me well, you know I am a little on the odd side. One of my oddities is my absolute fascination with all things fossils. Which is why the La Brea tar pits is so incredibly fun for me. They have so many awesome full animal fossils that they have found in their tar pits. They also have a station where you can see people working on cleaning fossils. Then you can see where people are working to retrieve fossils from the tar pits. Yeah, totally my thing! I totally took a bazillion photos, but I will share just a few, since to someone else the excessive photos of extinct animals would become boring.
Here is a saber tooth cat. Also known as a saber tooth tiger, but they are actually more closely related to the lion, hence the proper name being saber tooth cat. Actually the proper name is Smilodon.
This was a recreation of what they believe the wooly mammoth looked like.
And this is their amazing bones.
This is the famous recreation showing how an animal got sucked into the tar pit. You will see this on all their brochures. Notice how there is a layer of water above the tar, which is why animals would go to it. They would go to get a drink and get stuck, and not be able to escape. You will see the water have little bubbles.
Here is an example of what the tar looks like. This was just a random spot that had seeped up in the middle of the area.
So while we were in LA, this guy grabbed me and made me get pictures of myself with him, and then forced us to give him money. He doesn't seem like a guy you say no to.
One of my favorite songs is actually sang by Miley Cyrus. It was one of her early songs, "The Climb." It really resonates with me. "The Climb" was the song that branched away from Hannah Montana, but was not yet the Miley Cyrus we all know today.
It voices everything I feel. From the first words to the last, it tells my story.
I can almost see it. That dream I'm dreaming, but There's a voice inside my head saying, You'll never reach it."
I've always dreamed of a large family, but at some point you need to face the fact that your family might only consist of three people and that is okay. I start wondering if all of our efforts, all of our hopes, all of our disappointments, are for naught.
The song proceeds to,
Every step I'm takin', Every move I make, Feels lost with no direction, My faith is shakin'."
The truth is I keep having faith, but it has been shaken. Each time it's shaken though, I feel like it grows stronger, but there are moments where my faith is utterly shaken to its core. But as the song says,
"But I, I gotta keep tryin', Gotta keep my head held high..
There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb
That last part about, "It's the climb..." is what resonates with me the most, because as hard as this battle has been, the climb has been wonderful.
Yes, through all the heartache, shed tears, frustrations, irritations, shaken faith, we've been blessed. I've learned so much through our ventures with foster care, about my daughter, about my husband, about myself. I've met some amazing people, I have built hopefully life long relationships with one of the children and her mother. I've discovered my purpose in life. For everyday I have felt joy as a result of foster care, I have experienced less than an hour of that sorrow, but when you are feeling discouraged it is the sorrow you remember, not all the tremendously wonderful things.
Even my infertility has been a blessing. We met my favorite doctor in the world, who no longer practices. He cured me of my chronic pain I felt from 2001 to 2009. For eight years I experienced chronic pain, sometimes debilitating pain, and it wasn't until I went to get treated for my inferitily that they finally discovered what the problem was.
It was ultimately his cure that has made me forever infertile, but I'm not resentful for that. It could have been avoided, but since he was the fourth doctor to try to figure things out, I don't think it was a lack of knowledge or foresight. He did the best he could, and that I will be forever greatful.
The struggles I'm facing; The chances I'm taking; Sometimes might knock me down, but; No I'm not breaking
The thing is, each time I get knocked down, just as the song says, I don't break. I prove to myself that I am stronger than I appear. I will probably never be able to lift my weight, but I can carry a heavy load with a smile and hearty laugh. I will fall down in tears, but I am still able to impact this world for the better. I just need to keep moving, keep climbing, keep my faith, and enjoy the good times, and call my mommy during the bad.
I may not know it, but
These are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin',
And I, I gotta be strong
Just keep pushing on, 'cause...
Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep the faith baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa, whoa, oh.
Oh the irony, a person whose choices I do not respect, is the same person who sings the song that is meaning the most to me now. I need to remind myself that everytime I fall down, I'm only down for a few moments compared to the many wonderful times I am up in this journey. Today is hard, but tomorrow might just be amazing. Why is it so hard to remember that on those bad days?
Fifteen years ago this month, I first held hands with the man I was going to marry. I was seventeen and decided my senior year was not a good year to start dating anyone. Because after all, I would be going off to college, and I of course would meet my future husband there.
Oh, yes, let me remind you I was an odd teenager. I had prayed for the longest time that I would only date one person, because, well, I did not want my heart to ever be broken!
Me and that poor guy who waited patiently for that first kiss.
So when I was set up on a blind date in early October or late September with this same man, I had decided well, it was not really a date, because after all I was going to make this prayer happen, not God... and there was no way I was going to marry a guy I met in High School, so in order for me to be able to marry the first guy I dated, I would have to not count that one as a date. We were just acquaintances. An acquaintance that I soon admired and adored.
Two months past, we talked on the phone, went out on dates friendship meetings, because after all my first date was going to be with my future husband, and no one meets their future husband in high school.
After many friendship meetings went by, many late night talks, sometime in November fifteen years ago, he leaned over during Waterboy (romantic movie huh?) and asked, "May I hold your hand?" I thought it was the cheesiest sweetest thing in the world, and I said yes.
That night, I decided holding hands had made it a date, but if I didn't kiss him, I would never really be heartbroken; therefore, I could still have my prayer... for I had my faith in my own ability to control my future, than any ability God had in my life.
Four long months past after I held his hand, before I was willing to kiss that man.
Somehow, despite all my ideas of controlling my future, things worked out just as I prayed. It was not in my power, but by God's. I look back at how innocent and sweet we were. I'm really glad how slowly things progressed, I am glad how innocent we were, I am glad for so much about our friendship and marriage.
The funniest thought of it all is in 2 more years, I will have been with my husband half my life.
Man I loved loved loved California! Here is one of my favorite spots in La Jolla, a beach where Sea Lions like to rest.
We also went to the Anza Borrega Desert, and man it was neat. There were so many different things to see.
We explored the land on foot and in the jeep we rented.
I even bought a hat!
So many different types of terrain were found in the desert.
Kevin and Little Miss were a little more adventurous than I was. I did do a lot of exploring as well, but they went to places where I was a little fearful of going.
Though I have so much to write about my San Diego trip, my heart is heavy and my mind is deep in thought as a friend or rather an acquaintance I used to go to book club is suffering. She announced some news about her baby girl.
She knew early on that her baby was going to have a heart defect. She knew this would be a long haul and her baby would never heal from this. Today she let us know that her little baby's heart couldn't keep fighting.
My heart aches for her and her husband. I cannot imagine what they are going through, but this brings back old thoughts in me.
Should I really be bringing a child into this world, when there are so many already here who need love?
Although this statement sounds noble, it is not. I realize that my hesitancy is and always has been brought by fear not by nobility. I am afraid to get pregnant, because I fear a miscarriage. I fear being pregnant, because I fear all the horrible things that can happen while you're pregnant, such as preclampsia, which a friend experienced only one short year ago. I am afraid the baby's heart will stop beating. I am afraid the umbilical cord will wrap around the baby. I am afraid the baby will die during childbirth. I am afraid the baby will be born too early. I am afraid the baby will live with a birth defect that causes them to leave too soon. I am afraid.
I have been making this decision all along, out of fear.
In my flawed reasoning, if a child is here and they get sick, it wasn't my selfishness that brought on the illness. I guess, that is why I say I never wanted to be pregnant.
Each scenario I shared, I know someone who has experienced.
I remember someone telling me, isn't the birth of a baby amazing. There are a million and one things that can go wrong, and yet so many are born so perfectly. The problem is, there are many who are not.
So the question lies, should I base my decision on fear.
No.
I want to adopt, I sincerely do. I do feel like God is closing those doors to us. So in vitro is an option he has left the door open. I still hope that foster care will bring us a family, but God knows how our family will be built, and I just need to trust as I walk forward with where I feel he is leading me. Even when I'm scared, even when it hurts, even when I feel like it is hard.
My heart is heavy, please pray for the family of Penelope as she joins Jesus in heaven.
