Fear Is Not A Good Reason To Say Never

Though I have so much to write about my San Diego trip, my heart is heavy and my mind is deep in thought as a friend or rather an acquaintance I used to go to book club is suffering. She announced some news about her baby girl.

She knew early on that her baby was going to have a heart defect. She knew this would be a long haul and her baby would never heal from this. Today she let us know that her little baby's heart couldn't keep fighting.

My heart aches for her and her husband. I cannot imagine what they are going through, but this brings back old thoughts in me.

Should I really be bringing a child into this world, when there are so many already here who need love?

Although this statement sounds noble, it is not. I realize that my hesitancy is and always has been brought by fear not by nobility. I am afraid to get pregnant, because I fear a miscarriage. I fear being pregnant, because I fear all the horrible things that can happen while you're pregnant, such as preclampsia, which a friend experienced only one short year ago. I am afraid the baby's heart will stop beating. I am afraid the umbilical cord will wrap around the baby. I am afraid the baby will die during childbirth. I am afraid the baby will be born too early. I am afraid the baby will live with a birth defect that causes them to leave too soon. I am afraid.

I have been making this decision all along, out of fear.

In my flawed reasoning, if a child is here and they get sick, it wasn't my selfishness that brought on the illness. I guess, that is why I say I never wanted to be pregnant.

Each scenario I shared, I know someone who has experienced.

I remember someone telling me, isn't the birth of a baby amazing. There are a million and one things that can go wrong, and yet so many are born so perfectly. The problem is, there are many who are not.

So the question lies, should I base my decision on fear.

No.

I want to adopt, I sincerely do. I do feel like God is closing those doors to us. So in vitro is an option he has left the door open. I still hope that foster care will bring us a family, but God knows how our family will be built, and I just need to trust as I walk forward with where I feel he is leading me. Even when I'm scared, even when it hurts, even when I feel like it is hard.

My heart is heavy, please pray for the family of Penelope as she joins Jesus in heaven.