Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Infertility to IVF to Adoption

It's funny how things seem to find you right when you need them. I was looking at articles on homeschooling and instead of finding answers to my question on how to school Little Miss, I came across a blog of a homeschooling mom that was called, "God's Grace In Infertility."

For obvious reasons, this caught my interest, and I decided to read more. I discovered that this woman did five cycles of IVF. Each cycle ended with an unwanted visitor. I loved that she referred to her period as this because that is exactly what we have always referred to it as well.

After her five cycles, she found adoption as the path for her.

As we venture forward with in vitro, it occurred to me why I have been averse to doing IVF all along. There is a very good possibility we could go forward, spend the money, with no results.

The thing is, I've been there, done that. Maybe I didn't spend fifteen thousand dollars, but in all reality, it's just money. I'd rather pay thousands of dollars than to experience the sense of loss and frustration that infertility often brings. This has caused me to retrace my steps during the early days when we truly started trying to get pregnant.

The first year was no biggie, we were in the camp of annoying people who say, "I'm not trying to get pregnant, I'm just not not trying to get pregnant." In other words, we were trying to get pregnant, but not doing ovulation kits. We would have been shocked to actually get pregnant, despite the fact that we understood biological functions and the way they work. I am sure I would have made it even more annoying by saying as many other women do, "Oh my gosh, can't believe I actually got pregnant." Being a semi-bitter infertile woman, I have often wanted to point out that if you have unprotected sex, there should be no surprise when you find yourself pregnant.

Fortunately, despite my semi-bitterness, I also have a love for new life, even if I can't create it, and usually will enjoy celebrating with them. I'm not going to lie, tears sometimes are part of that celebration and not the happy ones. It's not exactly jealousy, but more of a reminder of the loss I have experienced.

Oh yeah, I was telling my story, after a year had passed with little results, we began to actively try. You know with ovulation tests, temperature tracking etc.

That was the worst. Each month, we would try, we would hope, then it was like three days of torture. I would count down to the day of my period. I inevitably would begin to feel cramps, have mood swings and would know pretty certainly that my visitor was on the way. Yet, no matter how certain I was, no matter how much evidence there was to its arrival when it came, it would be as if I had just lost this non-existent child.

Infertility is weird that way. You grieve over a child that never truly existed. People understand miscarriage because there was a child, infertility is harder to understand unless you have walked that path. It seems like any other disappointment, but only those who have truly experienced it can relate. The pain of the unwanted visitor's arrival is always a letdown, no matter how sure you are that it will come.

So why am I reminiscing the old torture, you ask?

Because soon I am expecting to embark on the same journey. I am beginning to realize my biggest aversion to IVF is that I've been through the ups and downs of trying to get pregnant.

I didn't like it.

We actively pursued pregnancy for five years, before we hung up that pursuit and pursued adoption. The path proved a positive one with the adoption of our daughter and our eventual meeting of many foster children. Yet, we're chugging forward with the IVF train again.

I'm glad for the change for many reasons, but I have to admit, there is a part of me that does not want to do it. Afraid of that three-day wait fearful of the visitor's arrival. The worst is when there are no PMS symptoms or when the visitor arrives late. How will I handle this? Do I really want to go through the pain all over again? What if I miscarry?

For now, I am going to hold my head up high with my eyes to the Lord. I am going to pray and hope. Just as I still am in hope that we will get a foster child that we will someday adopt. Only God knows what our future will bring.

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