Goodbye to You, Goodbye to Everything I Knew

Michelle Branch's song, "Goodbye to You," has resonated with me since the very first time I heard it, which was actually during a concert of hers. I stood not even fifty feet from her. Although the meaning behind the song has changed for me over time.

I've never connected to the romantic aspects of it, but the first was when I realized I had lost a friend, not physically, but emotionally. She was mentally ill and I couldn't handle the ups and downs of her life. It was also hard to not keep letting her back in my life, even though she would befriend and debefriend me frequently. But I learned, sometimes you have to let go, even when it hurts and it doesn't feel natural. You cannot allow yourself to be abused.

Then there is the theoretical, "you." This "you" is plural and more of a dream of a being than anything else. I always imagined having a big family. I assumed by the time I was thirty, I would have a houseful, I would be done adding to my family, and be more active in their lives than my own. Although I am quite active in my daughter's life, she is now more increasingly independent and her friends and her sports have become a bigger part of her life than they used to be. I find I have a lot of time to focus on myself, but the truth is - although millions of women wish they had time for themselves, I'd trade that time in a second for a chance to build our family.

It's funny, how words to a song can mean something different to you, dependent of your circumstances. In case you are curious, here are the lyrics and what they mean to me:
 

Of all the things I've believed in

I just want to get it over with

(I believed my life would be different, and I was ready to build that life at 22. It's ten years later, and though I'm happy for the most part, there is a part of me that yearns for more. Although I'm beginning to realize I need to say goodbye to that dream. It's the hardest thing to do, to decide you are going to change your life plans.)

Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

(Yeah I don't think I have to explain this one.)

I've been searching deep down in my soul

(Actually I've been doing a lot of soul searching. Talking to God, trying to decide where to go from here.

Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old

(People say a lot of dumb things to infertile people, most the time I laugh it off, but every so often it stings nonetheless, but I never give hint to that. Some of the most caring, thoughtful people are the ones that say the dumbest things. So you have to forgive them. )

It feels like I'm starting all over again

(Yup)

The last three years were just pretend

(Although I would say I've been trying to build our family for ten, the last three and a half years is how long I've been trying for a second child. The first one took me five years, it looks like this one will take about that long as well. )

And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew

(I'm preparing myself to saying goodbye to my adoption dreams)

You were the one I loved

(This is the only line that doesn't hold true, because my loves are my husband and my daughter, this was more of a desire, a hope, a dream.)

The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

(But man did I try to hold onto this dream, hold onto it so tight that it is so incredibly difficult to let go.)

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

And when the stars fall
I will lie awake
You're my shooting star

Well, I'm leaving our foster care license open for a few months at least, maybe longer, but I packed the clothes away, and preparing myself for the fact that we are going to try the in vitro route. It scares me to no end. I'm afraid to be pregnant, I'm afraid of having a miscarriage, I'm afraid of having a child prematurely, afraid of multiples and the risks that lie within, and more afraid than anything that it won't work out and we'll be at square one all over again. But it's time to pass my fears to God, and trudge forward.

I need to accept that adoption might not be the route God wants us to take. I need to put those dreams to rest, every second of every day. I need to say goodbye. As I teach my daughter, sometimes the scariest hardest routes are the ones most worth taking.

It's ironic I spent the first five years mourning my fertility, and mourning the second five years as I learn to rely on it. At least I know when all is said and done, at least I have one beautiful daughter. I am blessed, no matter how discouraged or frustrated I am.