Our first gut reaction was, if he's not going to do it, then we don't want to do it!
But in July I called a new fertility specialist and made an appointment, because I was not quite ready to close that door. In fact, I have been hesitant to shut that door many times. Although the doctors have given me many opportunities to have a hysterectomy, each time I felt a strong pull against it.
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| This is one thing I am not looking forward to, and have seen far more than I'd like to admit. |
I don't have delusions that I will be able to spontaneously become pregnant. A long time ago, I had my tubes removed due to a long and complicated mess of things, which belongs in a different post all together. Basically the way they removed my tubes, due to the issues going on, is not the typical tubal ligation. It makes it more likely for me to have an ectopic pregnancy than anything else, so a spontaneous pregnancy would scare me since my first gut reaction would be, this baby will die. (Yes I do believe that an embryo/fetus is a baby, and you won't convince me otherwise.)
So why not adoption. The truth is, I want to adopt more than give birth. I feel that we should take care of the children that are here rather than bring new children into this world.
The thing is, I started the adoption through the foster care process in 2009. We are blessed to have a beautiful daughter. It is now 2013.
We have said goodbye to four children. Two through our own judgement, and two because they belonged somewhere else. We also don't get calls like you would expect. Their true need is for teen placements, we are not ready for that, plus I strongly believe that your oldest should remain your oldest, and since our oldest and only is nine years old, that limits to the under-eight category.
So why not go through infant adoption? The short answer is, because they want me to close my foster care license. Also, I know that those babies are sought after and will go to wonderful homes regardless. They aren't the children that I feel need to be cared for.
As I spent the summer calling many agencies, we discovered that even if we want to adopt an older child, we would have to close our foster care license. Apparently, you can't have your hand in more than one bucket, I guess. That is when I began to lean towards in vitro... No, that is a lie, that is when I accepted the fact that in vitro might be the best option for us.
So back up a year or so. Kevin has always wanted to do in vitro over infant adoption. The only thing that has held us back is my health. The thing is, I have been healthy for years.
One day, I spent an hour lying on the ground, basically begging God for direction and that Kevin would change his mind about certain decisions. Then it came to me, he has been turning towards my decisions this whole time, it is my turn to bend towards his.
So I called the doctor and when we received a call for a foster baby, I cancelled the appointment the very next day. Then a month later I called again, making an appointment. Setting a new start date. Once we got called for a new placement, I hastily cancelled the appointment, figuring God was answering our prayers and giving me MY way. It took two visits with the mom to realize, this beautiful little girl was never going to be mine, no matter what CPS had told me. This girl belonged with her mommy. I then called the doctor and stated that we were going to do in vitro in January. I had the money and regardless of what happened we were going to go forward... except then the doctor quit his practice.
Didn't see that coming!
Was this God's way of shutting that door? If so, then why did I feel the need to transfer our records and set up an appointment with a new doctor? Just in case, right? Well, if I did that just in case that door was still WIDE open.
Then one day, it hit me, the little girl I had been spending every waking and many non-waking hours with was leaving and going back home. I was grieved. Then I broke down. Not for the little girl, but for me, selfish - jealous me. I told Kevin I wanted to try in vitro. We need to do it soon, as I am soon hitting my mid-thirties and it's time to do something now, before the window of opportunity leaves us.
Will we change our mind?
I don't think so, not this time. The only thing that is holding us back was that in May when our doctor closed his practice, I put our in vitro money on student loans and we are having to save up all over again. December and January is the only feasible time since I am going to school, and there are days you need to do bed rest. But can we really gain that much money in that short of time? If not, we might be looking at a summer start date.
I'm okay with that, but not ideal.
Will we change our mind if we get placed with a foster child?
I think we have said bye enough times and waited for enough years that we probably won't change our mind this time.
How does our daughter feel about this?
Well, that will be another post on another day.
Am I excited?
No, but again that will be another post for another day. There is a part of me that doesn't think it will work, and then part of me convinced it will. The truth is, it's not exciting to me, because I know what to expect or rather what to be prepared for.
- Negative pregnancy tests
- Judgements from others
- Non-happy congratulations
- Miscarriages
- Complications
- And of course all the pregnancy stuff if I'm fortunate enough to carry to term.
Maybe I'm looking at it from a doomsday perspective. But keep in mind, I have seen a lot and experienced a lot. I'm quite cynical. I know, many of you might be surprised that I would be cynical about anything. But in this...I am.
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