God Is Enough

The moment I saw this ad, something changed in me:

It was not the message it was trying to get across, but rather the family behind it. The mom who lost her only little boy. I read this sign three times before I began to see why this hit me so hard. 

When I was ten years old, my cousin Keith died at the age of eighteen. He left behind a mom and a dad. I ended up growing close to my Aunt Kathy, his mom, and she confided in me how great of a loss losing a child was. I remember back then, I felt sorry she didn't have any other children. Not that the joy of one child replaces the loss of another, because I am not deluded enough to believe that, but when you lose a child, your only child, you lose the name Mom as well. You'll always be a mom, but you don't get to hear that sweet name. 

Then it hit me. 

Something unconscious, but ever so present. 

I know why it's so important to me to have more children. 

My entire life, it seems I have been very aware that bad things happen, and they can happen to me. It caused me to make very conservative choices. I wanted to make sure I made all the right decisions, so little bad would happen. The thing is, bad things still happened. 

By the time I was twenty, I knew choices only stop certain things from happening, but ultimately God is in control. God allows certain things to happen, and with each bad thing, I would see a hundred blessings as a result. It was only then I began to trust in God. There is a big difference between believing in God and trusting Him.

The thing is, I'm human. I haven't fully trusted in God. The reason my infertility still bothers me, even after I had adopted my daughter, is because I don't want to be alone. 

So unconsciously, I had decided I needed to protect myself by having a big family. I essentially am telling God, He's not enough. The thing is - He is. He is enough whether our only child has passed away, whether our spouse who we were supposed to grow old with dies before us, whether our twenty-five year marriage ends in a bitter divorce, whether our house is engulfed in flames. He is enough.

Let me step back, I should probably explain what God is enough means to me. It means, even when we are heartbroken, we can find contentment by resting in  Him.

 I need to come to terms with the fact that even if my daughter dies before me, and I do not have other children, He is enough.

So I guess I am saying, I need to stop trying to protect myself. I need to accept my life and consciously decide that God is enough. I need to trust Him. Time and time again, He has shown me the blessings in all the hard things sent my way, so even when I'm on the bad side of good, I know good is coming.

Ironically, this is stuff I know, I just need to remind myself of this daily, heck I need to remind myself this hourly. It's a hard fact to face.

I still want a big family, I still will pray for it, but God is enough. Man, I need help with this.